You will not make me feel weird for going to the cinema alone

Alright, what exactly is wrong with going to the cinema on your own? I don’t get it. On Saturday, I went to the Prince Charles Cinema to see Mandy. I told my family I was going, and they each asked me who I was going with. I told them I was going on my own and each response was “really?!”

Yeah, dude. Of course I am. I don’t want someone trying to chat to me during the film. I don’t want to share my popcorn or have to worry if my friend is hating the film I chose. Are they quietly fuming because they wanted to go see Bohemian Rhapsody but, at my insistence, we’re now sat watching Nicolas Cage down a bottle of vodka in his pants while screaming? I don’t know why anyone would have a problem with that, but I’m sure these people exist. Mandy is great, by the way. Nicolas Cage one liners and facial expressions aplenty, a chainsaw fight, some very creative deaths and a tiger.

How is watching a film on a big screen in a dark room a social experience? Someone is going to have to explain this one to me really slowly because I don’t understand. People go to the pub by themselves, which is definitely more problematic. You wouldn’t ask someone if they want to sit down with you to read the same book, would you? I mean, unless that person is a baby.

I’ve had real problems with becoming comfortable in my own company and doing stuff by myself. I have a pretty clear idea of a lot of the things I like to do and in the past I’ve been anxious to do these things by myself. From school age, it’s drummed into us that doing things alone carries shame. You’re alone because you have no friends. I think for many of us this is carried through into adulthood, particularly in the context of activities that are traditionally done in a group. You internalise this idea that you’re alone because no one likes you, and it feeds into a cycle of self-hatred.

With anxiety and panic attacks, it’s very difficult to get to the stage where you feel comfortable going out to do things alone. It’s something I really needed to work on, and I still don’t have it down to a fine art. On Sunday, I went out for lunch alone and sat with my food and hot chocolate, reading my book and telling myself what I tell my friends when they struggle with social anxiety: no one’s looking at you because, as brutal as it may sound, no one cares. The strangers around you probably aren’t giving you a second thought. And if they are, fuck ‘em. Concentrate on your own food. No one eats Eggs Benedict elegantly so you can drop the attitude. You’re hardly Beyoncé.

This attitude is DIFFICULT to perfect. I still haven’t managed, and maybe I never will, but I’m better at it now than I was even six months ago. I think the only way you can truly get it nailed down is through exposure to these situations. And if you put yourself in a social environment alone and something bad happens (or that you IMAGINE that something bad happens) you’re unlikely to persevere. It just cements your view.

I’m lucky that I feel able to at least TRY to go out by myself, because I know plenty of people don’t have the option. But I also have to give myself credit for working hard to get to a point where I can apply logic to a potential solo activity. It’s not worth asking myself “what’s the worst that could happen?” because my brain is often not my closest ally and it will spend hours listing the worst things that could happen. But I do remind myself that if I try and I don’t like it, I can always go home.

Anyway, the cinema is one of the places I feel perfectly comfortable being by myself. It’s dark, quiet and I’ve chosen a film to watch because I’m interested in it. The people around me in the screen are probably similarly interested in it. Or at the very least, they’ve been dragged there by someone who is interested. I have something in common with everyone in that room and we’re all there for the same reason. There is very little required of me in the cinema. Just sit quietly and try not to cheer at Nicolas Cage’s stellar one liners. The second part of that is sometimes tough, but I push through.

I don’t get the problem with going to the cinema alone. I’m going to see the new Fantastic Beasts at the BFI IMAX tonight and I am eternally grateful for the fact that no one’s going to talk over sexy Dumbledore’s pearls of wisdom. No one’s going to try to point out an obscure reference to Harry Potter to me. YOU HONESTLY THINK I DIDN’T CATCH THAT? No one’s going to judge me for crying. Because I will DEFINITELY cry. Then tomorrow I’m going to see it with a friend and it’s definitely for the best that I’m seeing it alone first because I don’t want to say something I’ll regret to her in the heat of the moment. The wizarding world is standing at a precipice and I won’t be distracted from the task at hand. After all, wasn’t it Professor McGonagall who famously said “if you talk to me during the film I’ll throw your Fanta in your face”?