The Myth of Self Care

If I asked you to picture self care, what image would you conjure? I reckon you're probably picturing a bubble bath, candles, face mask, film, food, maybe a manicure or something if you're feeling especially extravagant. I've maybe made that list a bit female-centric. Men- you deserve self care as well. I've been single for a while now and can't really remember what you like as a species. Die Hard and a wank? I don't know dude, I'm trying my best. Be completely unapologetic in taking care of yourself. Put yourself first when you need to, take time out, do something for no other reason than it makes you happy. Self care often looks like a hot bath, candles, a good meal, a long walk alone. All these things have merit and I don't want to devalue small acts of self care. We all need them and it's so important to find ways to make yourself happy. My problem is that self care as we currently understand it can be an inaccessible commodity or a way of papering over the cracks. It's packaged to us as a way to keep ourselves happy- and I have no doubt that it works and carries a great deal of value- but we need to make sure that we’re maintaining a healthy equilibrium of short and long-term solutions to problems wherever possible. Our current understanding of self care hones in on an immediate need when sometimes situations warrant a much less narrow view. Sometimes self care is doing the thing we don't want to do, facing the uncomfortable truths, making the difficult choices. I spent a lot of last year in hot baths, painting my nails, watching films, reading books, going to the gym- putting a lot of time into quick fixes that helped me for a couple of hours but didn't really address what needed to be addressed. It was simpler for the broad structure of my life to stay in place, to find sticking plasters and quick fixes. I should have been tearing the house down brick by brick, but I was happier to rearrange the picture frames because it was easier. I couldn't be more of an advocate for putting yourself first and taking time out to enjoy something for no other reason than to unapologetically make yourself happy. Do something that reconnects you to you when you need it. Remind yourself of the things that make you who you are: paint, read, draw, write, call friends, work out, go for a manicure, watch a film.  You are not something to be enjoyed by others at your own expense so don't act like you are. That's not to say that you should never prioritise others- of course the people we love take precedent a lot of the time, and rightly so. I have enough people in my life who I know would put me first in any given situation and I would do the same for them. I also know that those people would be upset if they knew I was prioritising them during a time I should be focusing on myself. Having a mental health condition means that sometimes I go radio silent while I try to remind myself of who I am. The best people I know allow me to do this and intermittently text me to tell me they love me or send me pictures of their dogs. Taking time out for myself is really important to me. When I feel bad I will watch films, read, write, go to the gym and try to sleep. My phone goes on do not disturb after I've told the relevant people that I'm struggling and I crack on with the process of completely rehauling and recalibrating my brain; pulling myself out of the hole by investing time in the things I enjoy. I tend to do this through things like films and books, one-sided communication through writing, taking a few minutes to paint my nails or something so I feel less like a swamp hag. I’m really glad that I've managed to work out little ways to make myself feel better- my worry sometimes is that I focus on the immediate issue when I should be looking at the bigger picture- especially now I know how beneficial it can be to do the difficult thing. Sometimes self care is a break up. Sometimes it's accepting that a friend no longer warrants a place in your life. Sometimes it's moving to a new place, leaving your job, having a difficult conversation, saying no, setting boundaries, walking away from something comfortable and familiar but ultimately toxic and draining. The best things I've ever done for myself were also the most difficult. I didn't want to have EMDR treatment because it meant talking about things I didn't want to talk about. I didn't want to walk away from toxic people because I loved them. I didn't want to leave behind my life at home to move down south because it was scary to me. Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in. I think in order to take this kind of action, sometimes you need a push. For me, it was a break up. It was almost instantaneous after the relationship had ended that I looked around me and thought “man, this is bad- maybe I should change a lot of stuff.” Something needed to happen for me to realise that a lot needed to change and a hot bath wouldn't quite cut it. It’s difficult to recognise a multitude of problems when you’re in the eye of the storm. I had become so comfortable with unhappiness that it took a huge life change for me to overhaul everything. That’s also not to say that these kinds of changes are within the grasp of everyone suffering or having a difficult time. A doctor once told me that there are two types of people with depression- people who are depressed for no reason and people who are depressed for a reason. Depression can be situational and this isn't a weakness or a flaw in how those people react to their social surroundings. It can come from a relationship, poverty, illness, trauma, bereavement- there is an endless list of things that can force a person into a state of clinical depression or other mental health conditions. Some things are unavoidable and sometimes we are surrounded with vicious cycles. Long-term solutions can be impossible for some simply because that's their reality, just as short term self care measures can be out of reach for others as they are often commodified, packaged and sold. It could be the case that people are simply too time-poor for self care practices to be a regular possibility- single parents or people with very long and unpredictable working hours-but I think that's a topic beyond my scope. There's a compelling argument to be made that current understandings of self care and the images we have perpetuated of it are exclusionary middle class exercises that freeze people out for reasons beyond their own remit. Self care should be an adaptable practice that we can all inject into our routines- I hope everyone can find a way to line it up with their interests, capabilities and surroundings. It should also encompass the way we approach our social interactions: recognising toxicity, knowing your own boundaries, spending time with the right people. I'm one of the lucky ones. Even as someone with a long-term mental health condition, I have it within my reach to engage with both forms of self care that I have discussed: the short-term and long-term measures. When things got really bad for me, I was able to move cities and start again. When I feel bad, I'm able to set aside a few hours for a film. I also feel lucky to now mostly have the capacity to think long-term and understand when something is bad for me. However, there have been times I have been unable to recognise when something that looks like self care has actually been self punishment. I've tried to do things that are good for me, but I've overdone it. It's only when I have felt better and looked back on my recovery processes that I have seen how damaging some of my strategies can be if I push them too far. I overdo it at the gym, oversleep, push myself to do things I’m not well enough to do. I think the trick with self care is to find a balance and know when it's gone over the line. This is something I definitely need to work on. So, of course, we should all take time out for ourselves to do trivial things like have a cup of tea and read a book. Sure, get the massage and go for the long walk. Anything that makes you happy, doesn't hurt you or anyone else and exists within the boundaries of some sort of socially agreed morality- you have my support. But don't let it end there. What are your actual needs? Are you giving yourself a fighting chance if you don't think short-term AND long-term?