Identity

The idea of fan fiction is quite interesting to me because it's the clearest sign that any time you put a story out into the world, it's no longer yours the way it was when it existed only in your head. People can unpack and rearrange the structure you created and build upon it even more. They can get as needlessly weird with it as they want. Hermione can have an affair with Harry’s dad’s ghost; Deckard and Rachael can open a petrol station in Bradford; Edward and Bella can have a horribly imbalanced abusive relationship people think is fine because Edward has a helicopter. That last one is just Fifty Shades of Grey. Being open about a mental health condition means giving your story to other people to unpack and rebuild. It's like being a living piece of fan fiction. Your identity is your narrative and it no longer belongs to you the way it did when it existed only in your head- for better or worse, it's the parts of you that make you who you are that are given over for people to rewrite. They'll make additions, often detailing what you're capable of or what you're not capable of, what you might do in an episode, your experiences. At the same time as broadening your narrative with things that never existed in the original, your identity will be simplified. People will reduce you to your diagnosis and that will be that. Suddenly that's who you are. To some people you're the girl with depression, the guy with bipolar disorder. Once you make the decision to share the facts about your condition with other people, every thread that makes you who you are is diluted in this murky new amalgamation of things you never wanted to be. All the while, assumptions are made about your true nature and capabilities. I don't know whether this is a problem for other people but I think this might be my biggest fear about being open about my mental health. The idea that people will only see me as a diagnosis, that they will assume things about me, is really scary. But when I try to think about who I am beyond having this condition I struggle to define anything. It's as though the murkiness has swamped everything and I can't think of any other feature that I have. I talk a lot about experiencing really difficult and frequent panic attacks and depressive episodes, maybe so much so that sometimes it's all I think I am. I really want to be more than this and to see myself as a multifaceted person rather than some one note Wagner from X Factor character. Is this a problem that has an external or internal source? Do I think others see me as a diagnosis because that's how I see myself, or do I see myself as a diagnosis because that's how others see me? Honestly, I think it's probably a combination of the two. Finding ways to detach myself from and be more than my mental illness while remaining truthful and open about who I am is like walking a tightrope, but sometimes I can do it. When I find myself coming up short trying to recognise literally any other feature I have, I try to remember that my panic disorder and depression are huge parts of me and I should give it that recognition. The fact that I (mostly) manage to get through episodes of ill health should be a testament to my resilience. I can also choose to accept what other people say about me, good or bad. I can choose to take it on board if someone calls me fun or kind or awful. It's only when people describe me as something like a worrier or an overthinker that I start to worry and overthink that they're just seeing a human rendering of a panic attack. Maybe being so open about my mental health is, in itself, a way to appear as though it isn't a huge problem. Casually dropping “I slept for an hour last night because I had panic attacks” into conversation doesn't exactly scream “this is actually a massive issue.” As much as I do this to be transparent and invite people to know something important about me, I trivialise it so they don't think it's the mark of me. I'll also withhold more than I share. Symptoms and impact are things I'm happy to talk about- causes and thought patterns, not so much. This is a way to control my narrative and to make sure it can't be taken apart, rebuilt and added to. Having panic disorder and depression comes with a lack of control over a lot of things and I know most of the time I couldn't hide it even if I wanted to, so keeping something of myself sealed in is important. Things that don't tend to physically manifest get to stay firmly in the void. It's difficult to know what the right thing to do is when you want so desperately to be seen as more than a mental illness. Overcompensate, withhold, accept? Ultimately, I think the only thing we really can do in this situation is to try and accept that the illness is a part of us, while also investing time and effort into enhancing other dimensions of ourselves. Find something you like and throw yourself into it. Share the things you learn and carve out a new facet of yourself. Take up a weird hobby or something. People might still see you as the girl with depression, but you'll be the girl with depression and a unicycle she can ride the shit out of.